Friday, July 25, 2008
Transgender “Second Coming Out” question |
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A reader notes:
In recent months I have been thinking about an aspect of my life, of which I can find very little information on the Net, and was wondering if this is something you have discussed much within the transgendered community. Having transitioned in 2003, I find now that my transsexual background is a complete non-issue. “Great!” most people would say, and I feel very lucky to be in this position. I am never asked about my background, it is never hinted at, and I never bring it up with those who don’t know me as a close friend. However, I find myself feeling very guarded when in conversation with people who never knew me pre-transition. I am told by close friends that I am much more chatty, open, light-hearted, etc, when amongst people who know of my background. I recognise that I feel much more interactive and happy when I know the other person knows. It’s like I then have a license to be myself.
So now I have reached a point where I feel like I need a “second coming out”, in a controlled sort of way, as a means of saying that “hey, this is who I am, it’s okay, and I’m okay to talk about it”. But I fear what the consequences of being more “out” might be and whether it comes at a cost. Once done, I can’t go back if I decide I preferred the secrecy.
I am still with the same company that I transitioned with in 2003, so management know of my history and have always been totally supportive, so there are no issues there. However, I would guess 80% + of staff weren’t around in 2003 when I transitioned. I assume they know my background, but have no actual way of knowing if they do or not. I have asked a few colleagues who have known me pre transition and they say that no new staff have ever asked about my background. Half of me wants to be open about my background, and the other half feels terrified I will throw away the total acceptance I have been blessed with as a woman. I don’t think I would lose friends, but fear their view of me may shift to being more “masculine” than it currently is. I also feear I would throw away any prospect of finding a boyfriend if I was openly transsexual amongst my colleagues. On the other hand, I didn’t want to transition, only to shut myself off from open interaction with those around me, thus preventing me from being sufficiently interactive to find a partner anyway.
Has anybody else talked about the pro’s & cons with being more open about their transsexuality vs being totally guarded about it once well down the track of social acceptance. I mentioned my dilemma briefly to my counsellor from transition days, and her reaction suggested I would be throwing out all my good work. I don’t feel that would necessarily be true and feel that secrecy only reinforces (subconsciously) any feelings of being “second class”. I don’t think my question is so much one of stealth, in that I can’t help but imagine that if I do open up many people will react with “oh, derr!! Of course we knew, we just didn’t feel it right to ask about it. What took so you long ?, ” etc, etc.
My reply
When I first put up my site, I got a ton of letters from women who transitioned in the 1970s or earlier who had been stealth. They basically unloaded 30+ years of pent-up feeling about being trans. It was quite remarkable. Many of them took a look around and decided it was safe to be out now. Not all of them by any means, but a few.
In my own case, I transitioned in a very small industry (advertising), so I knew as long as I was in the business, my history would follow me around. I decided to be out for that reason. What kind of amazed me was that after I left the place where I transitioned, it really wasn’t an issue, in the sense that it was never discussed at work. I knew people knew, but it got to the point that most people (myself included) didn’t really think about it.
What I recommend is rather than making a big formalized announcement of any kind, just to be prepared to discuss it if it comes up. In some ways, acting like it’s not a big deal makes it not that big a deal to other people. One of the reasons being out is so empowering is that no one can use it against you any more.
Don’t think of it as stealth as much as privacy. I have a friend who used to be very obese and is now quite in shape, and he doesn’t feel a need to tell everyone about his past. He also doesn’t make it a shameful secret, either. I worked with someone else who was missing a leg, and it was never a big deal for him, and I remember being surprised when he told me. But after that, I eventually basically forgot. I didn’t think of him that way. We all have things in our lives that we don’t usually discuss with other people, but that doesn’t mean it’s a big secret. In this talk-show and reality-show world, the idea that people can be private has eroded in some people’s minds, but you have every right to control how you handle your trans status.
I don’t know if this resonates with your situation or not, but I will leave you with one last though. At the job where I transitioned, I outed myself to a new employee, mainly because I assumed other people would have told him. It turned out no one had after several months. That was an important moment for me, because I realized that I had a lot more control than I thought I did. Even if someone did out me, if I assumed people knew but didn’t bring it up, it was a non-issue. Perhaps the same will hold true for you. Being open doesn’t mean you have to announce it to the world.
I hope this give you a couple of thoughts on what might be best in your own case.
This is talk, not advice. See Terms of Use for details.
